One of the more disturbing aspects of our Calgary Relationship Counselling practice is how many couples really celebrate the holidays: Intimate Partner Violence.

As we approach this “Most wonderful time of the year,” anyone counselling Calgary couples begins to see the degree of fear and distress so many experience during this season and, often, throughout the entire year.

What’s even more distressing is how limited our society’s understanding of fixing the problem is. Oh, we have criminal charges, anger management groups, and (at least for women) shelters to escape from a violent partner. Though sometimes necessary, they’re little more than a band-aid and, worse yet, often destroy the relationship and family. Is there anything out there that can help couples accomplish real and lasting change?

Calgary Relationship Counselling: Fixing the Roots of Intimate Partner Violence

In 2015, a domestic violence group facilitator by the name of Chuck Derry published a first-hand account of men describing the benefits they received from inflicting domestic violence. His article (Archived as PDF here in case it ever is taken down), widely regarded as paradigm-shifting, detailed the usually concealed motivations for domestic violence shared by a group of domestic abusers.

Their motivations, detailed in a massive list, included:

• She’s scared and won’t go out and spend money
• Keeps relationship going—she’s too scared to leave
• Total control in decision making
• She feels less worthy so defers to my needs and wants
• (I get) a robot babysitter, maid, sex, food
• Don’t have to listen to her complaints for not letting her know stuff
• Answer to nobody
• Convince her she’s nuts
• Convince her she’s the problem
• She won’t call police

They launched a flurry of social media posts and other commentary on feminist and domestic violence-related websites or forums that, interestingly, seemed almost robotically to echo the author’s original solution to the problem of Intimate Partner Violence: A call for legal barriers to contain male violence.

The simple and disturbing message: That list is filled with real benefits. Men want what is on that list, and we as a society must control them. It’s a dismal and hopeless message we see echoed across so much of the domestic violence-related marriage counselling Calgary has to offer: Arrest the men, end the marriages and just accept that this is who men are.

It’s an interesting conclusion and one that completely ignores that 50% of violent relationships are reciprocal (Both initiate violence) and when nonreciprocally violent, women perpetrate over 70% of the cases with the vast majority of their victims refusing to even acknowledge that status to themselves. The Canadian National Victimization survey reports that “2.9% of men and 1.7% of women reported being physically and/or sexually assaulted in their current relationship.”

Obviously, men are charged with domestic assault at far higher rates. 78% of police-reported domestic assaults were made by women against men. In part, this is due to mass and strength differentials and the physical harm such can create. (Most men could easily bench press twice most women’s weight.) But, a deeper reason is likely rooted in law enforcement prejudice. One man, who pressed charges after his wife escalated from punching/slapping to threatening him with a steak knife, was told by the arresting officer, “You’re lucky she didn’t break a nail when she was hitting you,” or you would be the one we’re arresting.” But even if the physical scars may more often be smaller, our hearts are all just as deeply wounded by abuse.

Somehow, an article that could have changed everything about how we think about Intimate Partner Violence went off the rails and became even more confusing and pointless than the field already was. Instead of creating hope, it’s left us with something dark, hopeless, agenda-driven, and simultaneously filled with meaningless finger-pointing while remaining devoid of solutions.

If this is the highest quality societal intervention and the best marriage and couples counselling Calgary has to offer, then we’re all in trouble!

So can couples counselling fix a relationship plagued by Abuse and Domestic Violence?

Healing domestic violence starts with recognizing that Intimate Partner Assault and less chargeable forms of verbal and emotional abuse are a marriage and couples’ relational problem. In virtually every situation of Intimate Partner Violence, both members of the couple have issues of emotional immaturity, have a history of trauma, display low relationship skills and did so from the beginning of the relationship.

Yes, there are exceptions, but those are usually related to blunt force head trauma, stroke, PTSD or legal/illegal substance-related issues. People marry people at the exact same levels of emotional regulation, with similar levels of trauma and similar skill levels because they see the world through the same lenses and have learned to relate in similar ways. Then they, together, bargain a collective agreement of relationship together and, depending on their skill sets, either heal or destroy each other. Though dramatic and highly visible, Domestic Violence is just one expression of such.

They are doing all they can with what they have. To the best of their abilities, they try to make life work together.

Obviously, even mild domestic violence can be incredibly damaging and needs to be stopped. When people refuse to take steps to change their behaviours, exposure, separations/divorce, restraining orders, and even criminal charges can become necessary. Over the years, we have walked many clients through steps of ending the violence they were enduring that sometimes also ended their relationships. But, when the dust finally settled, it was just two broken people grieving what could have been.

I can not over-emphasize this critical point: Marvel Comic Book villains are just that, a comic book character. People do not get into marriages to be monsters and villains to their partners. I have met people who have done things so horrendous most people would not even believe they happened. But, when you get inside their hearts and wrap your mind around what is often nearly impossibly convoluted logic, you discover we are all the same. They were trying to stay safe, avoid pain, act out their deep wounding, and, in deeply reactive, misguided and immature ways, make life work.

By making his patients into villains, Chuck Derry gave us a clear picture of why Intimate Partner Violence treatment is so unsuccessful. But, even more importantly, what he didn’t ask his group of Domestic Violence Offenders is actually more important than what he did. What if he had asked them:

Can you even imagine anything better?

Our 20+-year-old Calgary Relationship Counselling Practice is built upon several core ideas. One of the most important is that judging people (much less an entire gender) is useless to anyone. Another is that people really do long for problems to be solved and for them to live better lives—if only they could understand them.

Understanding problems is key to solving them, and when people grasp a vision and learn the skills to achieve it, they never look back!

Solving the problem of Domestic Violence first requires that we make sense of how people in violent relationships think and believe and then understand the relational dynamics that those worldviews create. In our experience, there are four key relational dynamics in almost every relationship impacted by Intimate Partner Violence:

(1.) Attachment Issues:

An increasing number of researchers are abandoning the radical feminism-driven villain/victim narrative to focus on the reality that Intimate Partner Violence occurs in the context of a relational attachment. Anxious or avoidant attachment styles are well recognized for their ability to create unhealthy relationship dynamics that create and multiply relationship insecurity. Those attachment insecurities, in turn, are linked to Intimate Partner Violence perpetration.

Attaching to anyone can be anxiety-inducing; leaving both partners afraid of abandonment and rejection. That fear can sometimes make partners act irrationally, like getting angry and threatening or doing something hurtful to keep the person close. People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles see small things, like their partner being quiet, as a big problem and act in a threatening manner because they’re scared of losing their partners.

How people handle fear in relationships (whether by getting angry or withdrawing) can make relationships incredibly complicated, especially when there’s already a high level of conflict. Learning how to calm fear, risk trust and create security in attachment can do so much to set love in order – ending abuse and violence forever.

(2.) Communication and Conflict Resolution Problems:

Dysfunctional communication patterns are linked to Intimate Partner Violence. People usually marry partners with very similar challenges in expressing thoughts and emotions. Even relatively normal communication problems such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling can lead to misunderstandings and conflict, but violent relationships often take things a lot further.

Demand-Withdraw Behaviors: One partner pushes for change while the other partner withdraws or otherwise avoids the conversation, creating frustration and leaving the relationship struggling under a growing weight of unresolved issues.

Emotional Withholding: An intentional refusal to share feelings, affection, or offer support as a means of punishing or manipulating the other partner.

Gaslighting: Contrary to what most of the internet seems to believe, Gaslighting is not simply disagreeing or arguing with another person. Gaslighting is the conscious and intentional manipulation of another person to make them question their perception of reality, memory, or sanity.

Escalation: Escalation almost always takes two. It results from massive skill deficits in communication and conflict resolution that cause disagreements to spiral into more intense arguments that can escalate towards physical violence, with neither partner de-escalating the situation.

Invalidation & Blame-Shifting: This classicly toxic combination starts by dismissing and minimizing the other person’s thoughts and feelings, leaving them feeling unheard and unimportant. Then, when the other person reacts negatively to that treatment, responsibility for doing so is redirected onto the other partner, blaming them for their suffering.

Threats, Coercion, Control and Domination: Using threats or manipulation to control topics, the direction of conversations and, ultimately, the other person’s behaviour, often involving intimidation or ultimatums, which leaves the other partner feeling powerless.

While both partners may not exhibit all of the above behaviours, people in relationships impacted by Intimate Partner Violence will demonstrate some of them, forming a system of communication that keeps problems going.

(3.) Emotional Dysregulation:

Again, people always marry people at the exact same level of skill at regulating their emotional worlds. Though one partner may be more prone to internalizing or dissociating and the other to externalizing, the skill levels will be the same. Difficulty managing emotion results in heightened conflict and aggression. In virtually every area of relational connection, emotional dysregulation is associated with lower relationship satisfaction and increased violence.

One of the most common triggers for Intimate Partner Violence arises out of intense anxiety about security in love and relationships. When this becomes merged with issues with setting or maintaining boundaries, intense loneliness, jealousy and fears of losing a relationship, people often react in unpredictable and aggressive ways that often form key components of the family system of violence wherein one partner clings and smothers while the other fights to control those behaviours; to get enough space to breathe.

Assuming people are willing to learn skills related to CBT, Mindfulness, Dissociative Meditation and practices that allow the reregulation of physiology, this area is surprisingly easy to transform.

(4.) Empathy Deficits:

Relationships are essentially empathy in action. We experience the joy of being in a relationship with another person because he or she is attuned to our feelings, understands our needs and feels both to the degree that our pain and pleasure become shared. Empathy deficits are powerfully associated with Intimate Partner Violence.

Usually rooted in a lack of emotional self-awareness, a lack of empathy often hinders understanding of and responsiveness to a partner’s needs. When we fail to understand and then respond, our partners experience pain and often resentment. The spiral of hurt, recrimination and withdrawal that often follows catastrophically contributes to abusive behaviours. Empathy deficits are by far the most critical and also the most difficult area to address, and their ability to undermine healthy communication, conflict resolution, and emotional connection cannot be overstated.

When partners struggle with understanding and experiencing the inner world of the other, they can easily ignore the emotional and even physical impact of their abusive behaviours, see little purpose in de-escalating conflicts and experience no remorse as they exert even the most destructive forms of control. The entitled view of the relationship that emerges first objectifies the partner. Then, it creates a dehumanizing power dynamic that exploits their partner’s vulnerabilities without concern for how this exploitation impacts their partner emotionally. In virtually all cases, the lack of concern shown is exactly proportionate to the lack of empathic awareness of the partner’s feelings.

Addressing empathy deficits by addressing trauma, repairing dysfunctional attachment patterns, fostering empathy, teaching emotion-recognition, cultivating self-awareness and creating feedback mechanisms within the relationship can all be essential steps in breaking the cycle of abuse.

Calgary Relationship Counselling: Breaking the Cycle of Intimate Partner Violence

When people experience trauma, parts of them cease growing up and quit learning the skills they need to function in adult relationships. Outwardly, they look like adults capable of entering into adult relationships, but inside, they remain a child trying to fake it in an adult world.

Again, what Chuck Derry should have asked his group of Domestic Violence Offenders were questions like:

• Why would you settle for such a lame definition of relationship?
• Can you even imagine anything better?
• Wouldn’t you want your partner to love you, want you, and meet your needs because he/she passionately longs to meet them?
• Do you have any idea how to make that happen?

Instead, he ignored the fact that the vast majority of both men and women never abuse anyone, decided that men desire to abuse (and win by abusing) women and concluded that the long arm of the law was the only solution. That’s far too low of a view of people and it’s immensely destructive to both relationships/marriages and families.

Intimate Partner Violence is not about monsters and victims. It represents little more than the desperate attempts of two wounded people to try and have what they know they were made to enjoy but lack the skills and maturity to achieve:

Securely attached love and intimate belonging.

Our Calgary Relationship Counselling practice isn’t about judgment, and we’re on the side of your marriage as long as you are. We’re about stopping harm of every sort, creating safety, healing broken hearts, teaching skills and helping people resume the journey toward maturity in intimate attachment. If your precious relationship is marked by Abuse or Domestic Violence, then don’t go through another holiday season without reaching out to our Calgary Relationship Counselling Services.